An interesting situation happened this evening...
My host mother occasionally goes to work overnight, but cooks for us and leaves it on the table. Well, today she did that. My host father called me to eat, and when I got downstairs we had basic conversation involving English, the news, the president, the food, etc. In the midst of our conversation, I touched my ear and realized the back to my earring was gone. My host father decided to seize the moment.
The following script is in Japanese, and I will translate it afterward. I put it in Japanese because I don't know how to look at the situation objectively, and I don't know the culture well enough to infer the exact translation, without trans-literating it. Those who understand the language more can take this word-for-word, untranslated portion and make their own interpretations...
日本語で
父：わぁ、それはだめ。
私：えぇ、何？
父：その耳のピアッシング。
私：本当？hmm、アメリカでは耳やこんなの(point to lip)ピアッシングは男と女の人は大丈夫だと思うんけど、はなのピアッシングは男の人のためにはちょっと。
父：わぁ、お父さんは大きらい。お母さんとお父さんのできた子供でもだめ(or something like that involving できた子供 and referring it to me, somehow)
私：hmm
父：家に来る前に、ネッキの写真をもらった。写真でリップのピアッシングがあった。でも、来た時耳のピアッシングがあってびくりした。やくざみたい。ネッキのそのままのかおが好き。でも、そんなのがきらい。
私：ピアッシングがあっても、なくても同じ人間だと思う。
父：[There was only body motion here, but he meant "Do you have the ability to take them out?"]
私：リップのはねじくぎ(screw)みたい。
父：わあぁ、本当。だめだめ。
私：そして、耳も出せる。(I took them out just to show him.) 私は、ピアッシングがあっても、なくても、同じ人間だよ。ハハハ。
父：ええぇ、そのかおが好き。そのかおが大好き。家に来る前に、リップピアッシングがあって、お母さんとお父さんは大学生が家に帰られるのを考えていた。耳のピアッシングもあるから、かおが大きらい。そのままのかおが好き。
私：でも、同じ人だよね。
父：たぶん、アメリカで大丈夫。でも、日本で女では大丈夫。男の人ではちょっと。。。
私：ええ、そうなんだけど、私に似合うと思う。
父：お父さんが大きらい。たぶん、デートに行く時や出かけた時は大丈夫。でも、帰る時はちょっと。。。
私：ううううんん、はい、分かった。
In English
H: Waa, that's no good.
N: Uhh, what?
H: That ear piercing.
N: Really? Hmm, I think in America ear and lip piercings are okay for guys and girls, but maybe nose rings aren't very accepted for guys.
H: Waa, I hate it. Fujimi and I don't think it's good for our kids, like you and our other kids.
N: Hmm.
H: Before you came here, we got a picture of you. In the picture, you only had a lip ring, but when you came we were surprised that you had a earrings, too. You look like a yakuza (gang member). I like how your face as it is, without piercings.
N: I believe I'm the same person with or without piercings.
H: [There was only body motion here, but he meant "Do you have the ability to take them out?"]
N: My lip piercing is like a screw.
H: Whoah, really? It's no good, bleck.
N: I can also take off my earrings. [I took them out just to show him.] I am still the same person with or without them, hahaha.
H: Wow, I like your face like that more. I like it a LOT better. Before you came here, because you had a lip ring, Fujimi and I were debating whether or not to let you come live with us. Because you have a earrings, I don't like how your face looks. I like it how it is naturally.
N: But, I'm the same person, you know?
H: Maybe in America its okay, but in Japan, girls wear earrings, not guys. You look like a yakuza, ha.
N: Hmm, maybe. But I think it looks good.
H: I don't like it. Maybe, when you go on a date or go out it's okay, but I'm not sure about at home.
N: Ahhhh. Okay, I understand.
I'm not really sure what to think of this whole situation. A few factors complicate everything: The host mother wasn't home, the host father was drinking a little bit, my earring fell out so maybe it grossed him out. PLUS the fact that they didn't know I had earrings, too, when they decided to let me stay was the only thing keeping me from saying, "Well if you knew I was such a gangster, why did you let me come into your home? Doesn't my earnest, honest and sincere personality factor anything in?"
While one part of me wants to take this as a learning experience, professionally and objectively, I really just want to tell him that I don't give a flying shit what a conservative, close-minded, women-belong-behind-the-stove-or-hands-soaked-in-laundry-thinking old man has to say. Japan, specifically the conservative Osakan area, isn't very fond of piercings, even among the youth (I hear). Well, I'm not very fond of the fact that my simple freedoms are being usurped because I'm a white guy in a foreign country. I'm forced to bite the bullet everyday simply out of the fact that I can get my ass deported back to the states for anything.
I am the same damn person with or without a lip ring, with or without an earring. "Why, then, Nick is it a big deal that you have it in if you are the same person?" I like how it looks and the right to have one is conscripted in the Japanese constitution. I wrote in my housing essay that personal identity, freedom, and expression are important. Beyond that, it's a principle that is being shattered and forced down my throat.
Why NOW? I know I'm a good kid, they should know I'm a good kid, and I've demonstrated responsibility and other quality characteristics in these 3 weeks, so one would imagine that once they observe these qualities, they would overcome the prejudice they have toward "people like me." Why would my host father even consider imposing his personal feelings and tastes cross-culturally on me? Perhaps telling me he doesn't like it, but getting the nerve to tell me to remove it (actually, Japanese people do very little 'telling,' rather they make it very obvious, for example, he said "you can wear it when you go out, but..." this kind of allusion is very common.) Was it the alcohol? Was it the fact that my host mother wasn't home, so he thought he could get away with telling me? Was he just waiting for a time when the topic of earrings came up?
I will go talk to the CIE (faculty advisors) tomorrow and tell them what's up. Some of you may be like, "Oh, you're taking it too far," but VOLITION, FREEDOM, and EQUALITY are essentially what I live for and go to school for.
PS, I was supposed to go get my eyebrow pierced two days from now. Looks like I'll leave that to my gang.
"Freedom! Forever!"
-V for Vendetta
7 comments:
Nick, you're response to this situation kind of shocked me, haha. I thought the story was going to end with "so, to be respectful, I took them out." In my opinion, any other ending is disrespectful. As much as a liberty it should be, so is free speach. You wouldn't question it if they told you they didn't like a swearing habit you had, would you? In the American constitution the right to swear and to wear earrings is one in the same: the freedom of speach and expression. Sure, if they told you not to read a book (and I mean in a sense that they were censoring you) I might question their intent. But a demand for acts of respect from an elder aren't unheard of in any culture, and it seems silly not to adhere. They even tell you you can still do it, just not around them. Why purposefully try to discomfort them?
I would have immediately taken them out and appologized for my ignorance
This is rather insane and I agree with you completely. Saying you should, "respect" their opinion on the matter is nonsense. It's like saying you should respect someone's opinion on whether or not you have the right to have an abortion. to borrow a common phrase, "It's my body." You have every right to wear earrings or not and it is not disrespectful to fail to conform to someone else's asinine standards. This is the same kind of "disrespect" shown when people protest. If you want to call it disrespect, fine, go ahead, but if it is disrespect, it's the good king that should always be encouraged.
You're in a strange situation, where you are in your own right to do what you want, as long as it doesn't interfere with other happiness. I really don't think that you having piercings should bug them so. On the other hand, it's a different culture...I don't think you're in the wrong, but I don't think they he should have made you feel awful about being who you are. Talking to an adviser isn't a bad thing at all. It would be good to have a non-biased opinion about how things ought to go along. I don't think you should apologize for ignorance. You came there to learn their culture, at least they could accept yours. You're not a gangster and they know that. And I don't believe that you weren't out of bounds trying to defend yourself. It wasn't appropriate for him to put the subject in such a way. And it was rude for him to think twice about letting you live there just because of your piercings. I find that a little judgmental and materialistic. But eh, what do I know?
P.S.- Eyrbrow piercings rock.
jeff,
I indeed took them out immediately, and they've been out since. (My response was, 'OK, gotcha!' essentially, but with a bit of surprise and chagrin as I left the room with the piercings removed.) I didn't actually think he would ask me to remove them, so I was surprised when he did. However, as for apologizing, I don't think I need to. There is already an air of ignorance here because we are obviously both from different cultures. Things happen all the time that might be different from my normal or their normal. For example, the other day they made corn on the cob. I thought the only logical way to eat it would be to grab it at either end and munch. I was the first to eat my corn, and when I saw them pluck each kernel off with their finger and pop it in their mouth, I realized my way was different. I hadn't overtly disrespected them, and they hadn't said anything about my "American" way of eating corn being a problem. Difference does not imply disrespect, as each action is done from an earnest and open-minded person.
Do you realize the magnitude of what he did? It's not really that big of a deal until you reveal the principle behind it. As a host family, their duty is to ensure I have two meals, a room, access to a shower, and teach me the culture. In exchange, I teach them my culture, my language, and help out around the house. It is no where in their right (and I use the word "right" lightly) to impose their own personal views of society, of dress, of personal expression, or of what is acceptable or not on me. They knew damn well in the beginning that they are dealing with people from another culture, and they should respect each individual characteristic about him or her, not mash me into their view of "acceptable." I would never say, "You know, Okaasan, you shouldn't be such a weak female. You don't belong behind the stove all day. Why don't you make Otoosan do some housework?" That would be completely devoid of ethics. Why, then, is it okay for him to ask, "You know, Nick, it isn't good for you to wear earrings. Why don't you take them out for me? [and conform better to society, because we don't want to stick out]."
On the other hand...
I talked with the CIE today, and the homestay coordinator there said she completely agrees with me and she understands the principle component of the situation; however, if it is a big deal to me, then it becomes a big deal for everyone. She has to contact the parents, schedule a meeting, have discussions--stuff get's ichy. For the sake of living comfortably and stress-free, I will take them out and leave them out when I am at home. The homestay coordinator said that another way to view this, too, is that Otoosan views me as his son. He cares for me and, in a way, feels the need to protect me. I'm not sure exactly if I buy this, because he let's me wear them in the "real world" but not at home. What's at home to protect me from? I agree with the compromise Otoosan suggested, and I'm definitely not "purposefully try[ing] to discomfort them." I promptly removed the jewelry and agree not to present it around them.
I leave this asking this question: Why would they ask for a international student if they can't take the 'international' part?
archaneus,
I understand what you mean by disrespect that should be encouraged. However, I am just biting the bullet because it is way easier to do. I'm not doing to because of laziness, but other reasons...
pendrawnrose,
Ha, they never made me "feel awful about being who [I am]." I was really just surprised and angered by the situation. I agree definitely with the fact that I shouldn't apologize because I came here to learn the culture. I say "sorry" for lots of things, but I mean it more on the basis of "oops." An actual apology is not in order, though, I may make one anyway just to see how things go. I guess it would be like real life field work?
To everyone,
I could be in a situation like my friend Chelsea: She landed a homestay with Mormons who encourage her to go to church with them and say prayers in English before they eat, and aid them in instructing the children on the teachings of Jesus (and how that crazy bastard Joseph Smith found some gold tablets, they got stolen, and God devinely sent some MORE gold tablets.)
Mormons in Japan? Wow, what are the odds you would end up with them when there must be about 5 of them in the whole country. Personally if I was in a situation where someone was imposing upon me to participate religiously I would openly defy them and if they wanted me to aid in religious instruction I would do so... undermining everything they want me to teach and tempering it all with reality instead of their bogus nonsense. I'm sure those actions would be labeled as "disrespectful" of the persons belief in their invisible sky-daddy and I would be called a "fundamentalist atheist," which is just about the most hilarious self-contradictory term ever. But yes, it seems you are quite lucky if there are kooks like that participating in home-stays.
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